Tuesday, 16 August 2016

How To Google the Crap Out Of something When You Have Anxiety, in 10 Simple Steps


If there’s one thing I find hard with my anxiety, it’s trusting my gut instinct: self-doubt is etched into my DNA. I use Google about 20 times a day to check things. Some examples from my recent history include:

‘When should I potty train my toddler?’
‘Weekly meal plan’
‘How can I deal with panic attacks?’
‘Is it safe to reheat rice?’

Monday, 8 August 2016

Go Away Guilt - I've Got a Job To Do!

It's been 22 months since I left work to go on maternity leave. The plan was to return to my job after 9 - 12 months. However, the opportunity for redundancy came up while I was off and I took it. It was a huge decision to make and there were a lot of factors involved, but ultimately - I did what was best for my family at the time.

Was it the right decision to make? On the one hand, yes - it was the right decision because I was suffering with mental health problems and so it felt like a good time to take a step back. In addition, I was very lucky to have the chance to be a stay at home mum; I never had that opportunity with my first child. On the other hand, no -  it wasn't the right decision because I felt a lot of guilt for leaving my lovely colleagues and pupils where I worked. Furthermore, it did have a massive impact on our financial situation. But we managed (just), and now I have a lovely new job to start at the end of this month.

Saturday, 30 July 2016

Being Mummy to a Daddy's Girl

When I was pregnant, people would ask my partner and I what we were hoping for. My response was mostly, 'I don't mind what we have; I just want him/her to be healthy and well'. My partner's response was always, 'I want a little daddy's girl'. Adorable. A lot of people would be surprised and question this, asking things like; 'Wouldn't you like to have a boy so that you can get him into sports, football, etc'. It was as if it was not acceptable for a man to say that he wanted a daughter - or even for a girl to play football and sports. But, he was adamant that he wanted a girl: A daddy's girl.

Saturday, 23 July 2016

Soft Play Saved the Day

Today started off a nightmare: two ten year old boys, an eighteen month old toddler, and nothing for breakfast but dry Coco Pops. This was fine for my youngest who happily sat munching. But the older two - my son and my nephew - were having none of it.
My nephew had stayed over the night before and, as usual, they got on like a house on fire all night. But by the morning, they became the house fire - complete with lashing flames, flying sparks and explosions. This morning, it was all over who took the excess diamond on Minecraft. Give me strength.

Thursday, 14 July 2016

Our Summer Bucket List - 2016

If there's one thing that I'm sure of, it's that kids (and teachers!) cannot freeking wait for the summer holidays:

No alarms.
No plans.

Bring it on. Me and the boyo used to spend hours making collages, doing doodles and learning to draw things from books. It always started off like this and it was lovely… For about two days. Then it always began, “Mummmmm, I’m boredddd”! So this year, I’m going to get prepared. I now have an 18 month old daughter too so they will both need entertaining and keeping busy. I saw a really awesome 'Summer Bucket Listthe other day by Diary of an Imperfect Mum. This is our summer bucket list AKA '15 ways to stop a 10 year old boy from moaning at you over the summer holidays'.

When I asked my boyo what he wants to do; he said all of the usual kid-type responses that I would expect: holiday, bowling, soft-play. But he also said he would like to get a ‘Shake it Baby’ (in case you don’t know, these are the best milkshakes in the world, if you’re ever in Leicester - seriously - go and get one. When I was at Uni, we used to go and get a milkshake every time that we went through town, and then we’d go and sit at the water fountain and watch the pigeons. It surprised me that he said he wanted to do this, because I had also been thinking about this just the other day. So, that’s what I’m kicking off my list with. Heck, I might even take some bubbles with us.

Wednesday, 13 July 2016

My Pushchair: My Shield

Today, I left the house without my shield, my invisibility cloak, my barrier that I do so gladly hide behind: my pushchair.

My little one’s Grandparents took her shopping with them which, as much as I love her and feel blessed to have her, was a welcomed break for me. Currently, my daughter is my shadow. Everywhere I go: she goes. If I go to make a drink in the kitchen – she’s there: filling the washing machine with bottles. If I go into the garden to put the rubbish out – she’s there: lurking at the back door and shouting. If I go to the toilet – low and behold, there she is: stuffing bits of tissue paper down the toilet and slamming the seat on my back. As endearing as all of this is, the thought of having a morning of ‘me-time’ was appealing.

Tuesday, 12 July 2016

My Blogging Journey So far: Wordpress, Blogger, or Self-hosted?

I have always been the type of person who looks to see what other people are doing, and how they are doing it. Why? It’s not because I want to copy people, I like being an individual. It’s because 99% of the time - I feel lost, bewildered, and incompetant at making decisions. I guess you could say that I’m insecure, but that would be an understatement. The truth is that, for me, insecurity is just the tip of the iceberg (keep reading to hear an awesome joke about an iceburg). That’s the bit that’s visible. But if you look beneath the surface, there’s a whole depth of panic rising out from the darkness. Questions pelt by like schools of fish swarming by, flashing past in their hundreds, blocking and surrounding me until they are all that I can see.